Saturday, April 12, 2014

Week 39 or "I feel pretty, oh so pretty"

  Warning: any baby posts might involve some unappetizing talk including, but not limited to: my lady parts, peeing, and the word “fetus”. Proceed with caution.

Also, remember that this blog is a bit post-dated - I wrote this at 39 weeks, but I'm publishing a week later


Here's a current picture of me:

Of course I'd be eating in this picture


Just kidding. Here it is:

Everything's bigger. EVERYTHING.

That's how big I feel.

A few weeks ago, I was questioning why all maternity photographers insist on doing the “pre baby” shoot at around 7 months. Now I know. That's when you're “cute pregnant”. By month 9, that cuteness is long gone.

First of all, I am swollen all the time. Last week, it was just when my blood pressure went up. Now, I wake up like a blowfish. My legs are basically one size, from my knee to my foot. My fingers look like vienna sausages. I haven't been able to wear my wedding ring for weeks. I have at least 3 chins.

And my belly is no longer a cute, round basketball. It's got corners, made up of someone's knees and elbows. Sometimes, it's totally lopsided. It defies all shirts and likes to make appearances at really awkward times, like standing in the line at CVS.   I'm all, “Where's that breeze coming from?”

Also, gone are the days of shiny, manageable pregnancy hair. I don't know what happened, but overnight, my hair has turned back to straw. My skin feels like it's stretched to capacity. It itches. I slather on benadryl crème like nobody's business. I've developed these little brown patches on my cheeks called melasma or “the mask of pregnancy”. The internet tells me they'll probably fade after she's born. Probably.

I'm also just plain huge. When I walk, the house shakes. When I'm in a store, I try to turn sideways to fit between racks, but I just end up getting stuck. Or worse, knocking crap over, which I then have to ask someone else to pick up. If I'm sitting down and I drop something on the floor, I have to stand up first before I pick it up because my belly is in the way. When I walk down stairs, I can't see my feet at all. Do you know how scary it is to go down stairs without looking at your feet??

Okay, here's an actual picture of me, rocking my pregnancy jean shorts, or “jorts” as we cool kids like to call them. 

Ignore the disaster behind me. Ain't nobody got time for making the bed.

Stats

Baby is the size of a(n): A MINI WATERMELON. Oh, sweet Jesus. Putting the word “mini” before WATERMELON does not lessen the blow. Also, here's some advice for my pregnant friends: do NOT venture into the produce section to see how big a “mini watermelon” actually is. It will make you dizzy and a very concerned produce boy will ask if you're okay.

How I'm feeling: Anxious! Ready to get this show on the road!

Fancy Pregnancy Word of the week! : Well, at this weeks appointment, the OB said I was “Thinking about maybe being half a centimeter dilated”. Awesome. I am, however, 50% effaced, which Dr. Google tells me means that my cervix is thinning. Lemme tell you, it's the only thing on my body that can be described as “thinning”. My thighs = 0% effaced.

How much weight have I gained: Sigh. 44 pounds. I see running shoes in my future.

Cravings: Oddly, a french onion dip craving came out of left field. I can plow through a tub of dip in less than 2 days, hence the continued weight gain. 

How Russell's doing: Russell is SO ready for this baby to be here. He keeps telling me how hard it is to get motivated for work every day, which I can believe. He also keeps chanting “Push her out, push her out, waaaaaaaay out!”, which I do NOT appreciate.

Tasks I've had to avoid because I'm pregnant: It's basically baby time, so I'm not actively avoiding much in hopes it will send me into labor. Shake the rugs out over the banister? I'll do it! Clean the kitchen floor on my hands and knees? Yes please! None of these have worked, but my house looks awesome. 

Best part of being pregnant this week: The weather got really nice this week, finally. I don't know about you, but I feel better about ALL things if I can just open my windows.

Worst part of being pregnant this week: Not being able to sleep or walk. Being super uncomfortable. Going back and forth between sheer panic and excitement. Also, this baby is so big now, those cute little flutters from week 20 have turned into what I can only describe as a really creepy “oozing roll”. What can I say, I'm just ready to have this baby! :)

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