Tuesday, July 15, 2014

All Apologies

What's the phrase that ends " ________________ is never having to say you're sorry"?  I'm pretty sure it's not "parenting". "Parenting" means having to say you're sorry to everyone: friends, family, strangers. Well, you don't HAVE to say you're sorry, but when you've inadvertently flashed a boob at a crowd of homeschooling nuns (okay, that didn't happen) or walked into the men's bathroom (that did...) , maybe you should. Here's the short list of people I owe an apology to...
  1. Everyone who has emailed, texted, facebook messaged, carrier pigeoned me in the last 3 months that I have not responded to. I'm sorry. It's not you, it's me. Most likely, I read your message on my phone at 4 AM and promptly forgot about it. Was it important? If so, send it again, okay? I'll try to read it when I'm more awake, so.....roughly 18 years from now.
  1. To the guy in the Earthfare bathroom who I totally walked in on whilst trying to tell my husband that there is no extra outfit in the diaper bag and he's just going to have to change her diaper, take her outfit off (now covered in poop), and carry her out naked: my apologies. You probably thought you had the place to yourself and then in burst 2 irritated gingers: one frustrated and one screaming, covered in feces. (I'll let you, the reader, work out which was Russell). Anyhow, dude, I'm super sorry. I don't make it a habit to walk into the public men's bathroom.
  2. To the usher at the wedding last weekend, who I basically verbally assaulted so he'd get out of my way as I tried to hustle my baby to a window to distract her so she wouldn't completely lose her cool all over someone's wedding: so sorry. I know it was your job to stop people from going back there. But trust me, unless you wanted to see the complete shit show that is my baby when she's hungry, it was best that I get to the window pronto to appease her.  Also, I'm sorry for the eye-rolling when you yelled after me “Well, don't go in any of those rooms!!” Trust me, unless those rooms contained a bouncy seat and Baby Einstein on a loop, I wasn't going in them.
  1. To everyone who's tried to have meaningful conversation with me and gotten nothing in return: I'm so sorry. I have nothing to give. By the end of most days, the most exciting thing that's happened to me is either Claire's bowel movements or something to do with Real Housewives. Someday, I really hope to come back to the real world and have adult conversation.
     5. To everyone who has run into me in public: first off, I hope I said hello, at the very least. I am    so rarely alone these days that when I am, I find myself in some kind of parenting-induced trance, wandering the aisles of Target. So, I apologize if I didn't see you or looked right at you with no hint of recognition on my face. I also apologize if you tried to talk to me and I could barely form a sentence. See #4.

This week in baby-dom:
How old is Claire?: 13 weeks
13 weeks of sass

How Claire is eating: Just fine! We continue to do a combination of 80% breast milk, 18% formula, 2% bourbon. Just kidding! 3% bourbon.
"Knob Creek, Single Barrel please. On the rocks."

How Claire is sleeping: The bourbon has really helped with the sleeping! JUST KIDDING. Sheesh. But really, Claire sleeps pretty darn well – usually a good long stretch from about 10 pm til 4 am and then another short stretch from 5 am til 7 or 8.

Update on the harness: We are DONE with the harness!!! Praise the Lord, we are done. Claire had a check up with her orthopedist and he pronounced her “good as gold”. We'll go back in 6 months for x-rays, but NO MORE HARNESS. As much as I want to burn it (and I reeeeaaalllly want to burn it), I'm going to wash it and put it away, because I'm sure it will be one of those “Oh I can't believe you were this tiny!” things. In about 20 years.

How much Claire weighs: Not sure, but we're guessing between 11 and 12 pounds.

This is probably my 2nd selfie ever.
How much weight I've lost: After a few weeks of stalemate, my scale finally moved this week – I'm now down 37 pounds. 12 to go (to be back at my pre-pregnancy weight). I got some nasty motivation the other day at Target – I decided I had to purchase shorts, no matter the size, or I would cook in this hot Tennessee summer. I won't tell you the size I had to purchase, but let's just say it's a size that's never been on my body. Ouch. Also, nothing like a 3 way mirror to smack that Hershey's bar out of your pudgy little hands.

How Russell's doing: Russell started band camp this week (all my northern relatives who go back to school after Labor Day are shocked and appalled by this), so he's pretty tired. I also gave him an early birthday present: a jogging stroller. Russell's become quite the runner, so we're both excited that he'll be able to take Claire along for the fun. :)

Milestones this week: Claire is starting to be interested in some toys - she doesn't reach out and grab them, but if I put one in her hand, she'll play with it a bit. Well, she'll try to stuff it in her mouth. That counts as playing, right? We've been trying to do more "tummy time" (ugh, what an obnoxious phrase), but she HATES it. Maybe because it's called "tummy time".
"Tummy time's the worst."