Thursday, June 19, 2014

What's a pirate's favorite life saving technique?

 C.P. ARRRRRR, of course! :)


So, it's official: I'm that girl. The one who has a baby and then all she can talk about is her baby and every picture on her phone is of that baby and baby baby baby.

I didn't mean for this to happen. I'm not even gonna lie to you: before I had one of my own, I was a little judgey about “that girl”. I was all, “how sad that she has nothing else in her life to talk about” and “if I end up like that, please punch me in the face a little.”

Well, I'm due for a face punching. It's just that I have no life. I'm not working. It's summer so the pace of life is pretty slow. And I have an 10 pound weight that keeps me pretty well tied down to the house. When I do leave the house, it's usually to go hang out with other people who have babies. Guess what we talk about. :)

The other day, Russell and I left Claire with my parents for the first time so we could attend an infant CPR class. In hindsight, NOT our best choice. We walk in the room and see another couple sitting at some long tables that are covered in these:
Um, I know why it's not's face is covered in plastic wrap. Class dismissed!
BTW, I tried super hard to take a selfie with my dead baby look alike, but turns out there is not an appropriate time to do that during your Infant CPR class. At least not without looking like a total weirdo.

So then, we start watching the video in which the first scene is a baby who stops breathing in her crib. Russell and I just looked at each other like, “this was a baaaaaad idea”. The next scene: a baby choking. And from there on, who knows, because all I could do was obsessively check my phone and freak out over how my baby was home alone with people who hadn't watched a baby in 30 YEARS.
What I learned: infants are bad at CPR.
It all worked out fine and we did end up learning Infant CPR and the Heimlich. Just in case you're a little rusty, let me give you a quick CPR review:

Step One: “Check the area to make sure everything is safe.” Russell and I didn't quite get this step. On the video, the lady just looked to the right and the left. But I guess you're supposed to glance around to make sure the buffalo are done stampeding or there are no tsunamis on the horizon.

Step Two: “Try to get the baby to react.” In the class, we did this by tapping the baby's foot and yelling “BABY! BABY!” Awkward. In real life, you can just shout the baby's name. Or whatever else gets your baby to react – political injustice, the death penalty, the war on women, whatever. #yesallbabies

Step Three: “Begin chest compressions.” Using two fingers, right below the nipple line (which is super hard to find on your dead baby look alike, fyi), press down 30 times into the baby's chest about an inch and a half. Our instructor recommended we compress to the beat of Michael Jackson's “Stayin' Alive”. Yup. You read that right. Also, you've got to really dig in there. Don't be shy about those compressions. You're gonna feel like you're breaking baby's ribs, but guess what's worse than broken ribs? Being dead. #toughlove

Step Four: Put your mouth over baby's nose and mouth and give 3 breaths. You're going to feel (and look) like you're eating baby's face. Roll with it. When I was doing this part in class, the teacher walked by and said “Oh, you're doing so good. You're a natural!” Super. I'm a natural at fitting your baby's head in my mouth. #partytricks #hashtagsarestupid

Step Five: Repeat this process 5 times and then call 911. In class, we had to show this by picking baby up and announcing to the room “Now I will call 911!”, which made me giggle inappropriately every time. Just so you know, if this were to ever happen to me, I'd totally be calling 911 FIRST, not last. What can I say, I'm a rule breaker.

This week in baby-dom:
How old is Claire?: 9 weeks

How Claire is eating: Here's a nasty effect of adding formula to your baby's diet: constipation. Now, it's not really constipation as she's still doing the deed; she's just doing it less often and when it happens, watch out. POOPMAGEDDON. That crap (literally) is everywhere. We also switched almost totally to cloth diapers this week, which we love, except when I have to put the POOPMAGEDDON into my washer. Ew.
This. Right here. Is my. Poopface.

How Claire is sleeping: Um, like a boss!! Claire is finally sleeping for a good long stretch at night – about 10 pm til 4 or 5 am. Not every night, but most, which sure makes a difference in my mood! :)

Update on the harness: Starting this week, we'll go to our final step with the harness: wearing it 6 hours a day. Basically, during her long stretch of sleep. 3 more weeks of that and then DONE!

How much Claire weighs:10lbs, 13 oz
10 lbs 13 oz of cuteness
How much weight I've lost: Oh this stupid stat and my need for full disclosure. Sigh. Well, I did lose 1 more pound this week, which is good. You know what sucks about weight loss? Well, everything, but what I was referencing was how dang slow it goes. I'm all “I had a banana for breakfast and ran .0002 of a mile. Pretty sure I should be skinny now.” Too bad that's not how it works, right?

How Russell's doing: Russell celebrated his first Father's Day last Sunday with lunch out, some new Keens, and one of those fancy water hoses that they show on infommercials. Basically the trifecta of good Father's Day presents.

"I am a Jedi, like my father before me"

Milestones this week: I read Claire's first book to her: “Pat the Bunny”. She cried at the end, presumably because she's a huge advocate for animal rights. Or, because she was hungry. Whatever.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

This week, in reality and reality TV

 Well, it's been a big week at 'ole McCurdy Manor, because (drum roll please)......


Or is it the rabbit? The ninja? Shoot, I can't remember now. It's the fancy cable where I can record like 5 shows at once AND watch stuff on the DVR in our bedroom. Formerly, we could only watch DVR shows in the living room.

It's a pretty big deal folks.

This means a few things.

  1. Russell and I will basically never see each other again, except to pass the baby off.
  1. I'm at a place in my life where I really feel like I finally have room to open myself up to new people. By people I mean housewives. And by housewives, I mean real ones. Of New York City to be specific, 'cause of course I already watch Real Housewives of Orange County. I mean, the DVR now records 5 SHOWS AT ONE TIME. I'd be a fool not to!
See, I have HORRIBLE taste in TV. And this whole “stay at home mom” thing is not helping. The TV is on pretty much all day and since I'm breastfeeding, I spend a lot of time sitting in front of it. So, just in case you don't have the Rabbit Ninja, let me catch you up on what you've missed in reality. Reality TV that is.
  1. The Dugger's have 19 kids. They had 20, but the last one died and it was possibly the worst thing you can watch when you have a 2 week old baby, so watch out for that. 2 of their older girls are in “courtships” which is their word for dating. It means they get to go on dates, but only with a chaperone. Oh, and only side hugs are allowed in courtship. All that crazy aside, I kind of love the Duggers and all 19 of their herd. Sidenote- if there was a 19 Kids and Counting drinking game, it would be this: drink everytime a Dugger says “special”. As in, “It was just really special when I got to see my boyfriend and give him a side hug, all while my sister watched."
  2. Tori Spelling got cheated on by her husband and then filmed, like, 3 solid weeks of them fighting. It is an absolute train wreck and I didn't miss a single episode, even the “reunion” where said husband (Something McDermott? He's famous....for something...) showed his love for Tori by tattooing their wedding vows on his ribcage. Oh, and singing a pretty awful song. #TELEVISIONGOLD
  3. As I mentioned above, I currently watch the Real Housewives of Orange County. There used to be 5ish of them: 4 idiots and 1 intelligent woman. I felt super bad for the smart girl, except not really, 'cause she gets paid to hang out with the idiots. Now, they fired a couple idiots, and added another smart girl, so the first smart girl has a friend she can talk to using words with more than 3 syllables. I believe the last episode involved a chick paying her dentist to put magic crystals in her teeth, you know, for feng shui. I can't make this shit up.
  4. Lastly, there's the Long Island Medium. You'll probably think I'm a real idiot when I say this, but I totally believe she's the real deal. However, before you start saving your pennies for your own personal reading, let me just tell you what she'll say, since she says the same thing to everyone: Your loved one is at peace and they're super proud of you and whenever you feel your hair stand on end for any reason, blame it on dead grama/aunt/dad/cousin Frankie.

Alright, now you all know my dirty, dirty TV habits. We all have them, so put the gavel down, Judge Judy. (By the way, Russell has walked by as I type this and informs me it's the "Genie". Personally, I like "Rabbit" more.)

This week in baby-dom:
How old is Claire?: 8 weeks

How Claire is eating: Well, we have a bit of a “supply vs. demand” situation currently: Claire demands and I just can't supply enough. So, we've starting supplementing once a day with formula. It was a hard decision. You know how the media has talked about “slut-shaming”? Well, there's definitely “formula-shaming” in baby world. But my motto is “you do what you have to do” and Claire just needs more than I can provide right now. I did, maniacally, research every formula under the SUN before choosing one. I'm still a neurotic, terrified, first time mom after all.

How Claire is sleeping: Claire is finally starting to sleep for a good stretch of time at night. We can pretty much count on 4-5 hours of sleep which is GLORIOUS. Last night, she even slept from 10:30 til 5 AM!

Update on the harness: She's only wearing the harness to sleep (from about 9 pm til 9 am) and doing generally well with it. 8 out of 10 times, she screams while we put it on, which is great because I've always found that it's easier to do a task when someone's screaming in your face. :)
This picture sums up my life right now

How much Claire weighs: We had to pop in to the pediatrician last week to check a little spot on her belly button and the scale there said 9 lbs, 13 oz. So, Ye Olde Bathroom Scale is a LIAR, as it said she weighed 10 pounds a week prior.

How much weight I've lost: I'm still stuck at -30 pounds. Russell and I have been walking every day and I attempted a teensy bit of running. It's amazing how big of a role your abdominal muscles play in basic exercise. I also took a Zumba class at my friend Kat's church which reminded me how incredibly out of shape I am :)

How Russell's doing: Currently, the only way Claire will fall asleep at night is laying on Russell's chest, so he's loving that!

Milestones this week: Claire had her first escalator ride, shortly followed by one of her first elevator rides after we saw the sign reading “no wheeled vehicles on the escalator”. Oops. 
Hi, I'm adorable.

Monday, June 2, 2014

7 Week Update

Hello world! Long time, no see, eh? Sorry it's been radio silence on my end for a few weeks now -turns out, having a newborn is time consuming. Who knew? Actually, I'll let you in on a little secret only us new parents know:

the first 6 weeks of your baby's life are freaking awful.

There, I said it. They're AWFUL. I know, I'm supposed to talk about the joy of motherhood and my precious bundle and how every moment is a new blessing. And it is. But DAMN, that is hard to remember when you've been up til 4 am for 3 nights running with a screaming baby who only wants to eat. And then spit up. And then poop on you, the bed, the nightgown, the god-forsaken harness, and everything else in sight. And everyone you see says, with a big smile on their face and surprise in their voice, “Wow, you look tired!”.


The good news is, Claire is 7 weeks old today! And we're starting to see the light! We're figuring her out and she's figuring out things like “how hands work”. It's lovely. She's sleeping better and starting to be a little less grouchy, especially in the morning. She's still pooping on any and everything, but I'm starting to care less.
Rockin' the harness at 5 weeks

Also, she's cute as hell and I'm crazy about her. Even at 4 AM!

This week in baby-dom:
How old is Claire?: 7 weeks!

How Claire is eating: Claire takes after me, meaning that she could eat all day, every day, and be totally happy. Russell continues to get up for the first feeding, usually around 2 AM, so we're both getting a decent chunk of sleep, which is awesome.

How Claire is sleeping: She goes down about 10:30 – in her crib. Back up from around 2:00-2:45, takes a bottle from Russell, then back to the crib. Up again between 4:45 and 5:30 --- my turn to feed her, then back to the crib until around 6:30 or 7:00. After that, it's hit or miss. Sometimes I can stick her in her bouncer, which we call the “Shakey Seat”, in between us on the bed, and she'll sleep for another couple hours. Sometimes, we're just up with the sun. :)

Update on the harness: We had an ultrasound at Children's Hospital last week (where a very judgey nurse made me feel bad that Claire doesn't take a pacifier. Sorry, nursey, she just doesn't. You try to reason with a 6 week old) which showed that Claire's hips are perfect! We got to FINALLY take the harness off on Thursday. It was wonderful! Claire had her first tub bath (which she hated), her first swaddling since the hospital, and (most importantly, ha!) got to wear her first pants!! Now, she only has to wear the harness at night for 3 more weeks, then 6 hours a day for 3 weeks, then DONE.
I got 99 problems but a harness ain't one

How much Claire weighs: About 10 pounds, according to Ye Olde Bathroom Scale.

How much weight I've lost: So far, I've lost 30 pounds of the 48 I gained. 18 pounds to go to get back to my pre-prego weight, which honestly, was the most I've ever weighed. Sooooo....maybe some more work after that :) I'm part of a Postpartum support group on facebook and we all did a weight loss challenge in May, which really helped me. This month, I'm doing a DietBet with the same group. In case you've never heard of that, DietBet is a website where you basically bet a small sum of money that you can lose 4% of your body weight in 28 days. If you lose it, you split the pot with the other winners. If you don't lose the weight, you lose the money. So, I'm hoping the threat of losing my hard earned $20.00 will stop me from eating my weight in biscuits.

C-section recovery: Well, I went to the doctor last week and he cleared me for all activities, which made me both happy and terrified. C-section ladies know what I'm talking about here. Yikes. I will NOT be updating y'all on how ALL activities are going, but let's just say that I think it's best to take it slooooooow.

I'm talking about running, of course.
How Russell's doing: Well, he's tired, of course. Other than that, I think he's doing really, really well. He's really good with Claire – she LOVES him and smiles for him more than anyone! He's also much braver and more confident than I am – he's ready to take her out and about and I'm like, “let's just be hermits FOREVER”. He's also really good at entertaining her. I've basically got 2 tricks up my sleeve (more like down my blouse, AMIRIGHT?), but he's always thinking up new ways to keep a newborn happy.

Came home from the store to find my daughter watching sports
Milestones this week: Claire went to church for the first time last week! We visited the church I grew up in – Erin Presbyterian. She chilled in the car seat until the sermon started: then she screamed bloody murder. This week, we went to Powell Pres. (our current church, where I'm the musical minister). She made it through “Welcome to church this Sunday!” before the screaming started. Ironically, the only part of the service she didn't scream through was when the choir sang! That's my girl!!