Monday, April 28, 2014

My top 8 reasons why my c-section was not too bad.

When I was told I needed a c-section, I have to be honest: I wasn't really that bummed. I was past my due date and scheduled to be induced, which made me really nervous. I'm just not sure how I feel about Pitocin and I didn't want to end up not progressing and being forced into an emergency c-section after umpteen hours of labor. Plus, I've always been a little queasy about the whole “pushing a watermelon through a water hose” situation.

So, when the doctor informed me that there really weren't any other options for my breech baby, I was a little relieved. Now I knew exactly what to expect and I didn't have to make any more decisions. I'd be able to get a good nights sleep, shower, show up at the hospital, have a baby.

Overall, I'd give the whole “c-section experience” an 8 out of 10. I'm deducting 2 points for pain, because with any major surgery, there's gonna be some of that. But honestly, even the pain hasn't been unmanageable. The day of the surgery, I had about half an hour where I was like, “BRING THE MORPHINE FASTER”, but beyond that, I've been able to manage it with the pain meds they prescribed me. Oh, and walking wasn't too pleasant at first, but I found a way to fix that, which we'll talk about later (Hint: his name is "abdominal binder" and he's basically the love of my life). 

So, here are the top 8 reasons why my c-section was not that bad:
  1. Free bikini wax, kinda....

    So, before you can have surgery, they have to “shave the area”. This means that a sweet little nurse has to come in your room, hike up your dress, and bring out the “clippers”, as she called them, which made me think of these:

And let's be honest, bikini area grooming was not high on my “pre-baby” checklist, so she probably needed the big guns.

Also, file this experience away under “things your husband can't un-see”. On the plus side, aside from the huge Frankenstein scar and jiggy postpartum belly, WHO'S READY FOR BATHING SUIT SEASON???

  1. Complimentary nightie!

     Basically as soon as you walk in the door, the hospital wants you to change into a gown of theirs. It's got a couple interesting features like a “peekaboo” back (you too can flash your family!) and what I'm going to call a boob pocket. Right at boob level there's a slit, presumably to breastfeed through? It only works if your boobs are flat enough to fit through the slit though. I don't know, maybe you're supposed to put the baby up to the slit and force your boob through? As fun as the gown was, I changed out of it as soon as possible.
Right hand: pointing at the sign. Left hand: frantically holding the back of the gown together.

  1. Concierge service

     Otherwise known as your wonderful nursing staff. There are some things you don't consider before you have a c-section. Like, afterwards, you can't bend over at all. So, anything on the floor is off limits. Let's take a moment and name some things on the floor! Um, how about....your underwear, after the mandatory first shower! And who is gonna help you get said underwear to its rightful spot? Your sweet nurse, that's who. Also, after you have a baby, there's quite a lot of blood loss (I know, ew.) So much, in fact, that for the first day, you'll just lay on a bunch of towels. Who's going to change those towels? :) Nurses. And who's going to hold them in place during your (horrible) mandatory 1st time walking? You get it. Nurses = Saints.

  1. Access to the VIP room

          Unbeknownst to us beforehand, our hospital has a room that's set aside for new dads called the “Nourishment Room”. Why they didn't just call it a kitchen, I'll never know. It was a little kitchenette with a few basic provisions: cereal and milk, crackers, soda, coffee, etc. And y'all know that free food will get me outta bed any day, so you better believe that the first time I ventured out (realllllllly slowly) to the hallway, I “hightailed” (re: at a turtle's pace) it to the Nourishment Room.


         My testimonial: “Before my c-section, I tried many diets on my own, but could never get the weight off! After only 4 DAYS in the hospital, I lost 16 POUNDS!!! And, I got to eat whatever I wanted (off the hospital cafeteria's sugar and salt free menu) and I only exercised TWICE (walking up and down the hallway.....once to get free food). All it took was having a human baby removed from my abdomen via major surgery. And for 40 weeks of pregnancy and one easy payment of between $500 and $1000, you can have results like mine! IT'S THAT EASY.”
  1. Room service!

         If there's one thing I miss the most about our stay in the hospital, it's the little red button on my bed that called a nurse to my room, most of the time with Percocet. :) And every time the nurses brought me my painkiller, they were like, “oh, you should take this with food. I'll bring you a snack.” Um, amazing! Helloooooo access to unlimited generic saltines and no-sugar added peanut butter! Also, that same button is the one you push when, at 3 am, you can no longer listen to a newborn scream. A smiling, sweet, wonderful nurse will come take them from you, so you can get 2.5 blissful hours of sleep. Nowadays, I wake in the night, sweating, feverishly grasping for a button that my fingers will never again find.  Sigh. It's my Vietnam. 
  1. Do you know the muffin man? No, but I know his wife.

    Here is the most magical thing about having a c-section (besides the obvious: bringing new life into the world): the muffin lady. Every morning, at around 7 am, a little hispanic woman would come into my room and bring me 3 things:  a banana, a teensy container of juice, and a muffin. The first morning, I was confused, mostly because I was in a haze of pain killers and exhaustion from a newborn that wouldn't sleep. I assumed it was breakfast. The banana was what you'd expect, as was the juice. But guys, THE MUFFIN. SO GOOD. Seeing this woman became a highlight of my day. By the last morning, I was up at 5:30, sitting in my chair, bright eyed and bushy-tailed, awaiting her arrival. And the best part: that wasn't even my breakfast. They'd bring that around 8:30. The muffin was like a little breakfast appetizer. Man, I miss the muffin lady. 

    8. Beware the complimentary "massage" 

    One of my favorite pregnancy terms is “fundal”. It's the measurement from your pubic bone to the top of your uterus and doctor's use it to see how big your baby is. After you deliver, your fundal height is supposed to go down an inch a day. To check this, the nurse comes in and gives you a “fundal massage”. Don't be fooled, it is NOT a relaxing event. I actually managed to avoid it for the first couple days, but by day 3, apparently my uterus wasn't contracting enough, so I too got my first fundal massage. It is unpleasant, to say the least. Turns out, when you've recently had your uterus sliced open, you don't want anyone massaging it. I kept trying to work in the phrase “You put the fun in fundal!!”, but since my teeth were gritted together in pain, I couldn't quite spit it out.
So, as you can see, having a c-section is basically one long trip to the spa. In all seriousness, we had a really great experience -the nurses were WONDERFUL, the food was actually pretty decent (there was a pot roast one night that was amazing!), and let's not forget that we got a happy, healthy baby out of the deal. :) All in all, I'd do it again. Not anytime soon, but maybe someday!

"My name's Claire and today, I'll only sleep if I'm being held! Also, I can poop 10 times daily, no problem!"

Saturday, April 26, 2014

Week 41 or “Stop: Baby Time”

So, you're probably all “what happened to week 40?” I'll tell you what happened: nothing. Not a dang thing. I sat at home, bored as all hell, in a holding pattern of frantic cleaning and elevating my feet in hopes of keeping my blood pressure down.
As my due date (April 10th) approached, I tried all the old wives tales to induce labor. Well, almost all of them - I couldn't bring myself to drink the Castor oil. Ew. I did, however, drink the raspberry leaf tea, take evening primrose supplements, walk(as much as I could), and a couple others that frankly, would make you uncomfortable. Hint: rhymes with flipple chimulation and it's a real weird way to spend a Saturday night. Doesn't matter, as none of them worked.

April 10th came and went uneventfully. The day after, we went to the OB to have an ultrasound and check my fluid level. The ultrasound technician delivered the news: she's breech. Upside down. The only real option was a c-section. Some doctors try to turn breech babies, but I was against that (I'd read a horror story of a baby dying during that procedure) and luckily, so was my doctor. We scheduled the c-section for Monday, April 14th at noon. We were pretty stoked that her birthday would be 4-14-14!

We spent the weekend relaxing and now trying NOT to go into labor, as that would necessitate an emergency c-section. Russell went to the Orange and White Game. I watched a lot of daytime TV. On Sunday, we slept in and then went and saw “Captain America” - probably our last movie in the theater for a long time!

Monday morning, we arrived at the hospital around 9:30. I got hooked up to an IV and changed into my sexy hospital gown. My parents and Russell's mom showed up, all super excited. A little before noon, Russell got changed into his scrubs and I walked back to the OR where I got my spinal block – aka the WEIRDEST feeling ever. I'll write more on that later.

Lucky 31!
In the words of TLC, "No, I don't want no scrubs..."

At about 12:20 they brought Russell in and got started. I was feeling a little panicked – it is super strange to be wide awake while somebody opens up your abdomen. I didn't feel any pain, but I was definitely nervous. Thank God, the mood in the room was really light – the anesthesiologist was right by me the whole time, all smiles, telling me how everything was going well, which I really appreciated.
6 lbs, 9 oz of cutness

At 12:38, Claire Elizabeth McCurdy was born! 6 pounds, 9 ounces, 20 ½ inches long. Russell and I still can't believe how tiny she was as we were both big 'ole babies. The doctor held her up over the sheet for me to see briefly, then carted her off to be “de-gunked”. Russell went with her. I tell ya, after she was out, I didn't care at all about the c-section: I was just relieved to 1.) not be pregnant anymore and 2.) see our baby girl. Claire scored an 8 on her 1 minute apgar and a 9 on her 5 minute test, so she's basically a genius.

At some point, Russell brought her over to me and laid her next to my face – beforehand, I thought I would sob, but I think I was a little too jacked up on pain killer / in shock.

Once they finished sewing me up, Frankenstein-style, they laid her next to me in the bed and wheeled us right back to the room we'd come from. Our parents got to meet her and hold her – I'm sure there were tears, but again, I was a little cracked out :)
Claire meets Russell's mom or "Mama L."

We stayed for 3 more days -the max our insurance would allow. They offered to let us go home on Wednesday, but we figured another night of free babysitting and hospital food was worth the trade off of sleeping on a bed that can only be described as “one step above prison” quality. Actually, we loved the hospital. I've had friends who are desperate to check out once they have their little one, but we had an awesome experience! As I write this, we're 12 days out, and there are moments (mostly at about 2 AM) when I LONG to push that sweet little button and have a smiling nurse take my screaming infant to the nursery so I can sleep.

But, one really can't complain when this is the face I wake up to every day:

And that is the story of how Ms. Claire Elizabeth McCurdy was born!

Monday, April 21, 2014

Our little hipster

So, I promise to write about Claire's birth eventually, but I wanted to go ahead and blog about what we're going through right now. Also, I know y'all come here for the witty reparte, but I gotta tell you – I AM TIRED. Guys, newborns don't sleep. Except during the day, when company is here. At night, they're all eyes. And all screaming. So, instead of the hilarity you came here for, you'll have to settle for a picture of my baby :)

Claire was born on Monday, April 14th, at 12:38 pm. She weighed 6 pounds, 9 oz and was 20.5 inches long. Everything about her is perfect – all fingers and toes accounted for, apgar score of 9, passed the hearing tests with flying colors. She's basically a prodigy.
Day 1
At her first pediatrician appointment, which was Tuesday, she was diagnosed with hip dysplacia. The doctor came in and told me- Russell was in the shower. I really didn't think too much about it. I actually said, “My dog had hip dysplacia when we got her from the shelter but it resolved once she stopped sleeping in a cage and started sleeping in the bed. So....I guess the cage is out for Claire.” I didn't really get that this was a serious thing :)

On Thursday, we were discharged from the hospital and sent immediately to Knoxville Orthapedic Clinic for evaluation. We knew that she might have to wear a harness, but that's it. We were so unprepared.

The doctor at KOC evaluted Claire and confirmed the diagnosis: bilateral hip dysplacia. He told us treatment would be cheap, painless, and incredibly inconvenient: she'd wear a Pavlik Harness for 6 weeks, 24/7, and then for 6 additional weeks (if all was well at her 6 week appointment) for varying amounts of time. 24/7 means we can't take it off for diaper changes, baths, or skin-to-skin contact. He told us a nurse would be in to fit her for her harness. When the nurse came in, she asked if we had a onesie and socks, which we didn't. She gave us a generic pair and said they saved these for people who didn't bring their own. I think that's when I realized that she was putting this harness on my 3 day old baby and it wasn't coming off for 6 weeks, at least. That's when I started crying and didn't stop for 3 days – usually, I'm not an overly emotional person. I can get my act together. But between recovering from a c-section and postpartum hormones, I was a mess.

Claire was such a trooper. The harness doesn't faze her at all. She looks like a little frog with her legs up in a “M” position. But the harness makes everything 10000x harder. I'd just gotten the hang of breastfeeding, but the harness gets in the way now, so I had to start all over with a new position. In the hospital, Russell was swaddling her like a pro, but now the harness gets in the way of any swaddle. When we left the hospital, we felt pretty confident about this newborn thing, but now everything we knew had changed. It was awful.

She held my finger the whole way home from KOC

It's also hard because on one hand, it's not “serious”. My sweet baby is healthy and there is a very good chance that this stupid harness will resolve all of her hip issues and we'll be harness free in 12 weeks. There are plenty of moms out there who would kill to have this problem instead of what their newborn is facing. But on the other hand, this is our first baby and you have dreams and hopes of what that means – this harness was not part of those dreams. I have a drawer full of newborn clothing that she can't wear. I can't just give her a bath – we have to sponge bathe her, which she hates. I can't cradle her in my arms, because it pushes her legs together. She has to wear these socks that go up to her thighs and can't be removed (by us at least). I can't see her sweet tiny toes anymore. It feels like the death of one tiny dream after another.

The first few days were really, really hard. I couldn't speak without crying. And let me tell you, sobbing and a c-section scar do not go hand in hand. Ouch. If this doesn't work, the next step is an even worse harness, followed by a spica cast (google it, it's awful), followed by surgery and another horrific cast. It's not a pretty road and we are fervently praying that we don't have to go down it. But as I type this, Claire is a week old, and things are feeling better. On Saturday, we had a very positive pediatrician appointment where he told us he could already feel the hip starting to heal. Yesterday was Easter, and I was able to put Claire in her Easter dress, harness be damned. I'm getting a handle on breastfeeding and although we've not figured out sleeping yet, I have hope that we will.

I also wanted to say that, on Friday, we shared our struggle on facebook and asked for prayer, which is a bit out of my comfort zone. I'm happy to ask for “good thoughts” or “positive juju”, but prayer seems personal and I don't want to force that. But I'm also a huge believer in the power of prayer and I knew it's what we needed. The responses were so overwhelmingly kind. I was reminded of that scripture from Galatians, “Bear one another's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” Y'all really bore my burden. My status received tons of positive comments that really helped me through these last days. I also got a handful of private messages – some from people I don't even know – offering encouragement, advice, and help. I can't tell you how much these meant to me. You all really helped lift me out of a very sad place and I am so, so grateful.

And now, enough of the serious blog posts! We're ready to move forward and be positive about these next 11 weeks with our frog legged baby.

Saturday, April 12, 2014

Week 39 or "I feel pretty, oh so pretty"

  Warning: any baby posts might involve some unappetizing talk including, but not limited to: my lady parts, peeing, and the word “fetus”. Proceed with caution.

Also, remember that this blog is a bit post-dated - I wrote this at 39 weeks, but I'm publishing a week later

Here's a current picture of me:

Of course I'd be eating in this picture

Just kidding. Here it is:

Everything's bigger. EVERYTHING.

That's how big I feel.

A few weeks ago, I was questioning why all maternity photographers insist on doing the “pre baby” shoot at around 7 months. Now I know. That's when you're “cute pregnant”. By month 9, that cuteness is long gone.

First of all, I am swollen all the time. Last week, it was just when my blood pressure went up. Now, I wake up like a blowfish. My legs are basically one size, from my knee to my foot. My fingers look like vienna sausages. I haven't been able to wear my wedding ring for weeks. I have at least 3 chins.

And my belly is no longer a cute, round basketball. It's got corners, made up of someone's knees and elbows. Sometimes, it's totally lopsided. It defies all shirts and likes to make appearances at really awkward times, like standing in the line at CVS.   I'm all, “Where's that breeze coming from?”

Also, gone are the days of shiny, manageable pregnancy hair. I don't know what happened, but overnight, my hair has turned back to straw. My skin feels like it's stretched to capacity. It itches. I slather on benadryl crème like nobody's business. I've developed these little brown patches on my cheeks called melasma or “the mask of pregnancy”. The internet tells me they'll probably fade after she's born. Probably.

I'm also just plain huge. When I walk, the house shakes. When I'm in a store, I try to turn sideways to fit between racks, but I just end up getting stuck. Or worse, knocking crap over, which I then have to ask someone else to pick up. If I'm sitting down and I drop something on the floor, I have to stand up first before I pick it up because my belly is in the way. When I walk down stairs, I can't see my feet at all. Do you know how scary it is to go down stairs without looking at your feet??

Okay, here's an actual picture of me, rocking my pregnancy jean shorts, or “jorts” as we cool kids like to call them. 

Ignore the disaster behind me. Ain't nobody got time for making the bed.


Baby is the size of a(n): A MINI WATERMELON. Oh, sweet Jesus. Putting the word “mini” before WATERMELON does not lessen the blow. Also, here's some advice for my pregnant friends: do NOT venture into the produce section to see how big a “mini watermelon” actually is. It will make you dizzy and a very concerned produce boy will ask if you're okay.

How I'm feeling: Anxious! Ready to get this show on the road!

Fancy Pregnancy Word of the week! : Well, at this weeks appointment, the OB said I was “Thinking about maybe being half a centimeter dilated”. Awesome. I am, however, 50% effaced, which Dr. Google tells me means that my cervix is thinning. Lemme tell you, it's the only thing on my body that can be described as “thinning”. My thighs = 0% effaced.

How much weight have I gained: Sigh. 44 pounds. I see running shoes in my future.

Cravings: Oddly, a french onion dip craving came out of left field. I can plow through a tub of dip in less than 2 days, hence the continued weight gain. 

How Russell's doing: Russell is SO ready for this baby to be here. He keeps telling me how hard it is to get motivated for work every day, which I can believe. He also keeps chanting “Push her out, push her out, waaaaaaaay out!”, which I do NOT appreciate.

Tasks I've had to avoid because I'm pregnant: It's basically baby time, so I'm not actively avoiding much in hopes it will send me into labor. Shake the rugs out over the banister? I'll do it! Clean the kitchen floor on my hands and knees? Yes please! None of these have worked, but my house looks awesome. 

Best part of being pregnant this week: The weather got really nice this week, finally. I don't know about you, but I feel better about ALL things if I can just open my windows.

Worst part of being pregnant this week: Not being able to sleep or walk. Being super uncomfortable. Going back and forth between sheer panic and excitement. Also, this baby is so big now, those cute little flutters from week 20 have turned into what I can only describe as a really creepy “oozing roll”. What can I say, I'm just ready to have this baby! :)

Friday, April 11, 2014

Week 38, or "Under Pressure"

 Warning: any baby posts might involve some unappetizing talk including, but not limited to: my lady parts, peeing, and the word “fetus”. Proceed with caution.

Well, this week was an adventure, to say the least!

We have, thank you JESUS, had a very healthy pregnancy so far. I've been dealing with the SPD, but it doesn't affect the baby, it just slows me down. No gestational diabetes, pre-eclampsia, scary ultrasounds, strep-B, nothing.

So, this past Wednesday, I noticed that my ankles were swollen up around lunch time, which is odd because they usually don't swell unless I've been on my feet all day, which I hadn't. I'd just taught my regular course load. I have a good stretch of plan time after lunch, so I spent the entire time laying down with my feet up. While I was teaching my last 2 classes, I started to feel hot and just all around gross. Luckily, a nice perk of teaching is the school nurse! So, I high tailed it up there right after the kids dismissed and had her check my blood pressure.


140/90 is considered “high”. I've never been anywhere close to that, let alone 165/101! So, I called my doctor and she said to go straight to Labor and Delivery.

This actually wasn't the first time I'd been to the good 'ole L&D – a few months ago, I woke up to, well, let's just say a “gush” of fluid down yonder. I'm not typically a bed wetter, so I was a little surprised. It happened again and we ended up going to L&D to get checked out. Turns out, I peed myself. Yeah, why am I telling you this?? Overshare much, Becca? Oh well, now all my ladies out there who peed themselves accidentally during pregnancy can know that they're not alone. 
                                                         "Youuuuu are not alone...."

ANYHOW. Long story short, we hung out in L&D for about 4 hours, until my blood pressure went down to a normal rate. We left with instructions to “rest at home as much as possible” (ha!).

The next 3 days at work, I would teach a class or two and then, right on cue, swell up like a blowfish, go check my pressure, find out it was high and go home. This really stressed me out, because I am a planner. I do not like “taking it a day at a time”. I like knowing exactly what's going to happen and when.

The following Tuesday, I went to my OB appointment and told her what had been happening. At first she said, “Well, if it goes up again, you need to call us”. And I was like, “Cool, let's chat in an hour because I'm about to go to work and it will definitely go up.” That's when she told me the good/bad/terrifying news: it was time to stop working. Actually her words were, “If you can manage it, you need to be at home until you deliver.” Um, what? No, I can't “manage” that!! I was supposed to work 4 more days! I had a, pardon my french, SHIT TON to do! (That's a technical term for “quite a lot”)

But, when your doctor calmly explains that every time your blood pressure rises, your poor baby can't get blood or nutrients, you do what you have to do. Not gonna lie, I was in sheer panic mode for that first day. But, after the initial terror, being at home was definitely the right thing to do. My BP has stayed right where it should be.  So now, we wait!


Baby is the size of a(n): A PUMPKIN. I have no words for this stat, only a scared, whimpering sound.

How I'm feeling: Well, after typing the word PUMPKIN, I'm feeling freaking terrified.

New category!!  Fancy Pregnancy Words: Now that we're in the final weeks, let's learn some pregnancy words, shall we? This week's word is “dilation”. Here's a terrifying infographic:
Jesus Christ Superstar.

So, before I can push this baby out, my cervix has to be the size of a breakfast pastry. Oh, also, I'm renaming my cervix “Fort Knox”, as it is locked up tight, according to my OB. No dilation at all. FABULOUS.

How much weight have I gained: 40 pounds. Oops. Also, when I got on the scale at the doctor this week and saw that horrible number come up, I said something to the effect of “Sweet Mary, mother of GOD”, and the nice little nurse said “Oh don't worry, it's mostly baby!” Um, like hell it is! Unless this baby weighs 30 pounds and if she does, we have bigger problems, namely the pending Vaginapocalypse.

Cravings: Nothing new here – keep the lemonade coming! Also, did you know that Monday is free Waffle Bowl day at Froyoz? Not that I've made this a regular thing, but guys: FREE WAFFLE BOWLS.

How Russell's doing: He's done well, considering this week has been crazy. Russell's very budget conscious, so I was worried that he would freak out over me losing 4 more days of paycheck, but he didn't at all. However, he now has to look at me, lying in our comfortable bed, while he gets ready for work, which has to be awful.

Tasks I've had to avoid because I'm pregnant: Pretty much all things this week. I lay on the couch and take my blood pressure. Sometimes I get up and do something crazy like fold laundry. Then I check my blood pressure again and sit back down. Not a lot getting done over here.

Best part of being pregnant this week:  I did actually go in to work a couple times, to rehearse with our Ensemble because they were going to sing in the ETVA Choral Festival this Thursday - talk about bad timing, right? But those girls are superstars and they totally pulled it together, sang beautifully at Festival, and got a "1", which is the highest score you can receive :)

Worst part of being pregnant this week: Definitely the stress associated with not working, yet having to tie up all loose ends via the phone and email.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014


 I can't even believe that Baby McCurdy is due in 4 SHORT WEEKS! Even more unbelievable: I think we're ready. Well, as ready as first time parents can be. All of the baby showers are over, the tiny clothes are washed and folded. I've read the last chapter of “What to Expect When You're Expecting” at least 10 times. I found a substitute choir director/pianist to cover my church gig and a substitute teacher to cover my school gig. I've even started packing away the maternity clothes that don't fit anymore.

Oh, by the way – there's something they don't tell you in “What to Expect”: eventually, you will outgrow your maternity clothes. Unfortunately, this will happen weeks before the baby arrives.

See, when you first get pregnant, you make due by unbuttoning your pants and wearing loose blouses. Eventually, you succumb and buy one of these:
It's not nearly this sexy. Only on rare occasions did I stand in front of a fan and pull half my shirt off to show off my belly band.
It's called a belly band and it basically holds your pants up when you have to completely unzip them. This works for awhile, as long as you keep wearing those loose blouses. But eventually, you become keenly aware that you're walking around with your pants unzipped, especially if your job is to talk in front of middle schoolers all day.

So, you buy the maternity jeans. If you're cheap like me, this pains your heart because you think you'll only wear them for a few months. I'm realizing now that I may be rocking these jeans WAY in to the summer, months after Baby Mc is here, but that's another story.

So, you shell out the big bucks (you know, like 30 WHOLE dollars) for those jeans with the big elastic waist that basically tuck into your bra. And y'all: THEY. ARE. HEAVEN. You vow to never take them off. They're like sweatpants and jeans had a baby. You wonder how you ever wore pants with a zipper and how you'll ever go back to them after the birth. You realize that this is how women your mother's age began wearing elastic waist pants every day.

And then, at about month 9, something really nasty happens: you outgrow your maternity jeans. In those jeans, your thighs start to look like sausage, stuffed into the casing. You also outgrow all other maternity pants. And most of your shirts. We won't even talk about your underwear. You resign yourself to wearing either a dress or yoga pants and one of the 3 tops that's long enough to cover your belly.

And people wonder why I didn't want to have maternity pictures done.


Baby is the size of a(n): head of romaine lettuce. Not iceberg lettuce, dagnabbit! ROMAINE.

How I'm feeling: Huge.

How much weight have I gained: 36 pounds, hence the “huge” feeling.

Cravings: Anything citrus – we go through, like, 3 gallon jugs of “Simply Lemon” a week.

How Russell's doing: Just fine! His high school band kids and parents threw us a baby shower and it was the cutest thing ever. His kids even made up a little "band camp survival" kit for Baby Mc (who is destined to be a band nerd, I fear). 

Tasks I've had to avoid because I'm pregnant: Painting my toenails. Actually, anything from the waist down is pretty much a nightmare. I haven't shaved my legs in WEEKS, but it's no worries because I can't see them! :) Ignorance is bliss. 

Best part of being pregnant this week: When people see me coming, they GET OUT THE WAY. :) I'm like Moses, at the Red Sea, BUT BIGGER.

Worst part of being pregnant this week: Sometimes, when I walk, my waddle is SO bad, I get little sing song voices in my head, chanting “Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall”, etc. It's cruel.

Friday, April 4, 2014

Week 35 or “Zombieland"

Do you remember that game “The Sims”?

Let me tell you, back in the day, I played a lot of Sims. Mostly I was in it to do 2 things: build their little houses and kill them in funny ways. You know, the norm. And here's the thing about Sims: they don't really have free will, so if you just ignore your Sim, they will kinda take care of themselves, but they'll spend a whole lot of time walking from room to room, staring blankly at the wall.

"Why am I in the dining room? Better question: why do I own a sheep nightgown?"
Well, lately, I've been feeling very “Sim”-like, as I spend a lot of my day playing a game I like to call “Why am I here?”   Sounds deep and insightful, right? You're overthinking it. It's more like this: I walk into a room, and then spend a good 3 minutes trying to remember what I was going to do there. It's super fun, guys! Sigh...

Here's something I've learned these last 35 weeks: BABY BRAIN IS FOR REAL.

Looking back, I think my first encouter with baby brain was in week 10 with the, now dead to me, Easy Mac. In hindsight, I'm usually a little more competent at reading instructions that are written on the side of what is essentially an 8 year olds after school snack.

The next incident involved trying to open my car door with a fork. When I realized what I was doing, it genuinely confused me.

Here is some photographic evidence of the baby brain – 

I could not, for the life of me, figure out why the chicken in the pan wasn't getting warm. Turns out, you have to put the pan ON a lit burner, not just "lit burner adjacent". It took me, literally, 20 minutes to realize the problem.

And the other day, I actually stopped my students from taking a standardized survey on my teaching so I could call the office and tell them I didn't have any surveys in my room. Turns out, they were on my desk. Right next to the intercom. Didn't realize that until the poor assistant principal had run to my room to help me.

I hear it doesn't get better after the baby is born.

This will be me a few months. Except fatter. And with fewer adorable brown babies. And fewer babies, period.

Me, wearing my mermaid costume, teaching the baby about drug interactions.

Welcome to Terminus. (Too soon, Walking Dead friends?)
This is how Sims give birth - they stand in front of the toilet, thinking about pacifiers. Then, they wet themselves, groan a bit, spin around, and POOF! Baby time!   Sidenote: these sentences also sum up my birth plan.