Week 36, or "IT'S THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWWWN"

 I can't even believe that Baby McCurdy is due in 4 SHORT WEEKS! Even more unbelievable: I think we're ready. Well, as ready as first time parents can be. All of the baby showers are over, the tiny clothes are washed and folded. I've read the last chapter of “What to Expect When You're Expecting” at least 10 times. I found a substitute choir director/pianist to cover my church gig and a substitute teacher to cover my school gig. I've even started packing away the maternity clothes that don't fit anymore.

Oh, by the way – there's something they don't tell you in “What to Expect”: eventually, you will outgrow your maternity clothes. Unfortunately, this will happen weeks before the baby arrives.

See, when you first get pregnant, you make due by unbuttoning your pants and wearing loose blouses. Eventually, you succumb and buy one of these:

It's not nearly this sexy. Only on rare occasions did I stand in front of a fan and pull half my shirt off to show off my belly band.

It's called a belly band and it basically holds your pants up when you have to completely unzip them. This works for awhile, as long as you keep wearing those loose blouses. But eventually, you become keenly aware that you're walking around with your pants unzipped, especially if your job is to talk in front of middle schoolers all day.

So, you buy the maternity jeans. If you're cheap like me, this pains your heart because you think you'll only wear them for a few months. I'm realizing now that I may be rocking these jeans WAY in to the summer, months after Baby Mc is here, but that's another story.

So, you shell out the big bucks (you know, like 30 WHOLE dollars) for those jeans with the big elastic waist that basically tuck into your bra. And y'all: THEY. ARE. HEAVEN. You vow to never take them off. They're like sweatpants and jeans had a baby. You wonder how you ever wore pants with a zipper and how you'll ever go back to them after the birth. You realize that this is how women your mother's age began wearing elastic waist pants every day.

And then, at about month 9, something really nasty happens: you outgrow your maternity jeans. In those jeans, your thighs start to look like sausage, stuffed into the casing. You also outgrow all other maternity pants. And most of your shirts. We won't even talk about your underwear. You resign yourself to wearing either a dress or yoga pants and one of the 3 tops that's long enough to cover your belly.

And people wonder why I didn't want to have maternity pictures done.

Stats

Baby is the size of a(n): head of romaine lettuce. Not iceberg lettuce, dagnabbit! ROMAINE.

How I'm feeling: Huge.

How much weight have I gained: 36 pounds, hence the “huge” feeling.

Cravings: Anything citrus – we go through, like, 3 gallon jugs of “Simply Lemon” a week.

How Russell's doing: Just fine! His high school band kids and parents threw us a baby shower and it was the cutest thing ever. His kids even made up a little "band camp survival" kit for Baby Mc (who is destined to be a band nerd, I fear). 

Tasks I've had to avoid because I'm pregnant: Painting my toenails. Actually, anything from the waist down is pretty much a nightmare. I haven't shaved my legs in WEEKS, but it's no worries because I can't see them! :) Ignorance is bliss. 

Best part of being pregnant this week: When people see me coming, they GET OUT THE WAY. :) I'm like Moses, at the Red Sea, BUT BIGGER.

Worst part of being pregnant this week: Sometimes, when I walk, my waddle is SO bad, I get little sing song voices in my head, chanting “Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall”, etc. It's cruel.