What's a pirate's favorite life saving technique?

 C.P. ARRRRRR, of course! :)

sorry.

So, it's official: I'm that girl. The one who has a baby and then all she can talk about is her baby and every picture on her phone is of that baby and baby baby baby.

I didn't mean for this to happen. I'm not even gonna lie to you: before I had one of my own, I was a little judgey about “that girl”. I was all, “how sad that she has nothing else in her life to talk about” and “if I end up like that, please punch me in the face a little.”

Well, I'm due for a face punching. It's just that I have no life. I'm not working. It's summer so the pace of life is pretty slow. And I have an 10 pound weight that keeps me pretty well tied down to the house. When I do leave the house, it's usually to go hang out with other people who have babies. Guess what we talk about. :)

The other day, Russell and I left Claire with my parents for the first time so we could attend an infant CPR class. In hindsight, NOT our best choice. We walk in the room and see another couple sitting at some long tables that are covered in these:

Um, I know why it's not breathing....it's face is covered in plastic wrap. Class dismissed!

BTW, I tried super hard to take a selfie with my dead baby look alike, but turns out there is not an appropriate time to do that during your Infant CPR class. At least not without looking like a total weirdo.

So then, we start watching the video in which the first scene is a baby who stops breathing in her crib. Russell and I just looked at each other like, “this was a baaaaaad idea”. The next scene: a baby choking. And from there on, who knows, because all I could do was obsessively check my phone and freak out over how my baby was home alone with people who hadn't watched a baby in 30 YEARS.

What I learned: infants are bad at CPR.

It all worked out fine and we did end up learning Infant CPR and the Heimlich. Just in case you're a little rusty, let me give you a quick CPR review:

Step One: “Check the area to make sure everything is safe.” Russell and I didn't quite get this step. On the video, the lady just looked to the right and the left. But I guess you're supposed to glance around to make sure the buffalo are done stampeding or there are no tsunamis on the horizon.

Step Two: “Try to get the baby to react.” In the class, we did this by tapping the baby's foot and yelling “BABY! BABY!” Awkward. In real life, you can just shout the baby's name. Or whatever else gets your baby to react – political injustice, the death penalty, the war on women, whatever. #yesallbabies

Step Three: “Begin chest compressions.” Using two fingers, right below the nipple line (which is super hard to find on your dead baby look alike, fyi), press down 30 times into the baby's chest about an inch and a half. Our instructor recommended we compress to the beat of Michael Jackson's “Stayin' Alive”. Yup. You read that right. Also, you've got to really dig in there. Don't be shy about those compressions. You're gonna feel like you're breaking baby's ribs, but guess what's worse than broken ribs? Being dead. #toughlove

Step Four: Put your mouth over baby's nose and mouth and give 3 breaths. You're going to feel (and look) like you're eating baby's face. Roll with it. When I was doing this part in class, the teacher walked by and said “Oh, you're doing so good. You're a natural!” Super. I'm a natural at fitting your baby's head in my mouth. #partytricks #hashtagsarestupid

Step Five: Repeat this process 5 times and then call 911. In class, we had to show this by picking baby up and announcing to the room “Now I will call 911!”, which made me giggle inappropriately every time. Just so you know, if this were to ever happen to me, I'd totally be calling 911 FIRST, not last. What can I say, I'm a rule breaker.

This week in baby-dom:

How old is Claire?: 9 weeks

How Claire is eating: Here's a nasty effect of adding formula to your baby's diet: constipation. Now, it's not really constipation as she's still doing the deed; she's just doing it less often and when it happens, watch out. POOPMAGEDDON. That crap (literally) is everywhere. We also switched almost totally to cloth diapers this week, which we love, except when I have to put the POOPMAGEDDON into my washer. Ew.

This. Right here. Is my. Poopface.

How Claire is sleeping: Um, like a boss!! Claire is finally sleeping for a good long stretch at night – about 10 pm til 4 or 5 am. Not every night, but most, which sure makes a difference in my mood! :)

Update on the harness: Starting this week, we'll go to our final step with the harness: wearing it 6 hours a day. Basically, during her long stretch of sleep. 3 more weeks of that and then DONE!

How much Claire weighs:10lbs, 13 oz

10 lbs 13 oz of cuteness

How much weight I've lost: Oh this stupid stat and my need for full disclosure. Sigh. Well, I did lose 1 more pound this week, which is good. You know what sucks about weight loss? Well, everything, but what I was referencing was how dang slow it goes. I'm all “I had a banana for breakfast and ran .0002 of a mile. Pretty sure I should be skinny now.” Too bad that's not how it works, right?

How Russell's doing: Russell celebrated his first Father's Day last Sunday with lunch out, some new Keens, and one of those fancy water hoses that they show on infommercials. Basically the trifecta of good Father's Day presents.

"I am a Jedi, like my father before me"

Milestones this week: I read Claire's first book to her: “Pat the Bunny”. She cried at the end, presumably because she's a huge advocate for animal rights. Or, because she was hungry. Whatever.