Monday, August 4, 2014

Here's your sign

So, last week, I celebrated my birthday. I'm 34. I have a friend who has “stuck” at 29 – she refuses to turn 30. Every year, she just says “I'm turning 29 again”. I think this year will be her 5h time as a 29 year old. Not me, man. Personally, I like my 30's. Your 20's are, frankly, kinda rough! You have to graduate from college and figure out what the heck you're going to do for money. You have to figure out health insurance and whether or not you're a dependent anymore. You're probably dating, which means blind dates and first dates and, worst of all, being set up with some dude who works with a friend of your moms friend's cousin and starts the date by telling you his frat brothers nick-named him “The Donkey” because of the size of his, um, manhood. TRUE STORY, FOLKS.

So, all in all, I like my 30's! However, I'm starting to feel less like a teenager and more like a mom. Yikes.

Signs you're getting older:

1. You are excited when a new store opens, only to find that you are too old to shop there. I'm looking at you, Urban Outfitters. We recently got one in Knoxville and the first time I went in, I was like, “Oh. This place is for teenagers.” It may as well have been a Gymboree - nothing in there was for my age group.

Perfect first day of school outfit, right? Maybe when I was a 6th grader back in 1990.

Not you, Forever 21. I don't care how old I am, cheap sunglasses are my spirit animal.

2. The people in charge of your kids seem like kids themselves. My friend (actually, the same friend who is still 29) recently dropped her kids off at day camp. She filled out the medical form and asked the teenager working the desk where to hand it in, to which the teen replied that she could give it to the nurse. My friend looked around and, seeing no nurse, asked again for clarification. The teenager then pointed to the girl sitting right next to her, who, according to my friend, looked about 13, and said “This is the nurse!”. Yikes.

3. Cute college boys now look at you like you're their mother. The other night, we were walking by the river and passed a group of young guys. One of them approached us and asked if we could take their picture. Right as I'm agreeing to it, a girl their age runs by, and no joke, the kid could not abandon me fast enough. Funny thing is, I totally thought all these kids were in about 9th grade, but Russell pointed out to me that they're probably college freshmen at orientation. Oh my lord.

4. Everyone calls me “ma'am”. The waiter. Guy who sprays our house for bugs. The Starbucks guy. It's unsettling when I'm all “wassup, bro” (on the inside. I don't actually say that out loud) and he's all “Ma'am, you can't park your power scooter here. Can I help you with your walker, ma'am?”

5. We had some big storms the other night and my knee throbbed so much, it woke me up. I've become one of those people that says things like, “Must be fixin' to rain, 'cause my knee's been singin' all day!" Yuck.

6. When we first got married, Russell and I talked about stuff like what's for dinner or what's happening on LOST tonight or how much it would cost to put a pool in the attic. Now, we talk about 529s and 401ks and making a will and saving for college. Remind me why 9 year old me thought growing up was cool? 

The scariest part of all of this is not the act of aging. It's the realization that we are the grown ups. Us. I still laugh at fart jokes. And carry cherry chapstick instead of lip stick. I'd rather re-read Harry Potter for the 12th time than watch a documentary. If no one was watching, I could go without eating my vegetables for days. The other day, I bought grape flavored Big League Chew (which, incidentally, I do NOT feel bad about because, duh, it's amazing.) 
Yeah, I play in the big leagues.

But at the same time, I'm almost old enough to run for President. PRESIDENT. By my age, Michaelangelo had completed the Sistine Chapel. Edison had invented the phonograph. And I still don't know how to curl the hair on the back of my head. Sigh.

This week in baby-dom:
How old is Claire?: 16 weeks! I can't believe it!

How Claire is eating: Pretty well. She went on a bit of a “breastfeeding strike”, the little union worker, but she got over it in about 24 hours.

How Claire is sleeping: Oh, not at all! So, here's a little gem they don't tell you when you're picking out sweet baby blankets and dreaming of nursery paint colors: your baby's a little jerk. Seriously. They'll fool you by sleeping through the night and then, just when you're starting to feel a little human, BAM. Asleep at 8. Up at 11. Back to sleep at 11:30. Up at 1. Down at 2. Up at 6, for the DAY. Naps? Psh, naps are for CHUMPS now.
"Mother, really. This again?"
How much Claire weighs: Around 12 pounds.

How much weight I've lost: Do you know the sad part about this statistic? I have to do the math every. Single. Time. With a calculator. THAT'S HOW BAD I AM AT MATH. Anyhow, I've lost 38 pounds. 10 to go!

How Russell's doing: Well, Russell is back at work full time, which is an adjustment for all of us, but so far it's going well. Claire is such a daddy's girl, so she's super excited when he gets home every day, which is precious. 

Milestones this week: Claire had her first big laughs this week. :) She's made laughing sounds before, but never in response to something funny. This week, we had genuine laughter. ADORABLE. I'm working on uploading a video, but that requires patience and some kind of internet magic I don't possess.

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